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murasaki

dancers

27.12.13

not now please

i'm just ashamed of myself. why do i always make you disappointed at me. i keep on doing mistakes. i forget things easily. i forgot almost every important thing that you said, and end up making you upset. im sorry. i just forget things easily. and tbh, i didnt know that if i tweeted Alhamdulillah, everyone will asked your result too. like why? why? cant i just say alhamdulillah to show my gratitude. ouh wait. i cant. i cant tell anyone that i got it. not even my mom and sis. would you believe me if i say i havent tell them i got it. i know i tweet a lot. its kinda like a habit for me, to social network whatever i've been through. since i was into fb i guess. i mean, at that time, i was form two. i got addicted, from fb to twitter and then insta. twitter is the worst. but, now still. i social networking a lot. whatsapp is also social network. cant you see, for the last four days, i didnt tweet. i only retweet tweets that i found interesting or related to me. but last night, and today, i broke my own will, just to ask our friends what they got. i reached them, after four days of just reading their tweets, scrolling the tl and feeling envy. i reduce my tweet, because you dont like it. but still, misdone an action, and ruined it all. sorry. im just not that perfect as you think i am. when i think again, why did i tweet you at all? and i didnt thought about dm at all. why am i so so so so so so so stupid. my am i always like this. the more we ws, the more we argue about this. so i decided not to online at all tonight, maybe i will for tomorrow but only if i think my mood is ready to read everything you send to me. im so sorry. im feeling guilty. i do many wrongs. i just hate myself if i hurt your feelings. i never want to. i never meant to. i know you would think, will i make you feel better if i shut you off just like this. i know it wont. i know you said i will make you feel less sad if i accompany you. but, something tells me it was the opposite thing. everytime. everytime you were sad. it must be bcs of me. so why am i the one who can lessen your sadness? im not even good at giving advice. no one listens to me. not even my sis. not even myself. yeah. i dont listen to my self. im becoming worst than before. sorry. this is me. what am i saying. ugh fuck. i should be grateful of what i had just got but i think, i should just ignore that offer. maybe that will make you feel happy again. just like when i had to lead a team, during our last ann dinn. i gave up my hope. and yeah, it felt nice to see you happy during the games.

omg you ws me non stop. what did you send huh? you must be really mad at me sorry

idc whether i was better than you. because i know, one day. things will change bcs you will be called the head of the family in the future. i like to see your effort. not your regret. i really hate it when you said you dont suit me bcs im too good. its not like that azi. everything happened, is a motivation, a lesson, something that will make you remmber not to do it again in the future. its a step to stand up, and try and try and try. do you think i will like a guy that gets everything he wants? i dont like a perfect guy. you are okay, just nice for me. so close to perfection. i didnt wrote that quotes for you for nothing. you think i would like some guy like adli or hmmm idk, aiman? no. out of all the guy i had seen, you are the one whom i chose from the very first time i walked into that school. i waited long for you. and now, just bcs of that offer i received, but you dont, you want to stop ws-ing me? like heyyy. do you hate me that much? i was suppose to be happy today. at least, act happy infront of my family eventho inside, i keep on hoping that you will got it tooo with your dad's help. my mom saw my face this evening, she is sick. i cant tell her this news with that face. its not right. she is sick, she was crying this morning. how to tell her this. maybe i will tell her tomorrow. maybe, if i feel like telling. idk idk idk idk. idk what to do. how to make you feel okay again. the last thing i saw you ws was that goodbye. so i shut off myself from the world. i regret of everything. i got out from the house and went for jogging. i prevent myself from making any eye contact with everyone in the house while i changed my outfit. i was running. i didnt jog. then i saw some strangers looking at me so my runs turned into a walk. until maghrib. i went home and refreshed myself. i didnt open my tab at all. my sis yelled at me and said i got a lot of noti from ws. idk. i just hate myself i dont want anyone to know im exist. i only make you feel sad. mad. angry. i didnt meant to do it. swear God i never meant to hurt you. i love you

but now, i think i had just made you hate me like hell.

i deserved to be mad of, idc. but now i think i want to shut myself off. remember i said i only want to meet you if i run away. well, not this time.

whatever it is, i still meteor you.
ayu azalia 10A+

sincerely ayu azalia at 10:56 PM
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